The Shoat Statements

Random musings by the multiple voices inside my head.

Is God willing to prevent evil, but not able?
Then he is not omnipotent.

Is he able, but not willing?
Then he is malevolent.

Is he both able, and willing?
Then whence cometh evil?

Is he neither able nor willing?
Then why call him God?


Click on the image if it isn't clear, and it'll link you to the image itself, which is readable.

We have seen 04 shootouts in U.S.A within the span of one to two weeks. We have seen a parcel bomb go off in Paris. Court houses (across India) have been bombed. In fact, a perfectly legal, first-time visitor to Canada has even been tasered to death at the airport.

Sri Lanka has seen a bomb blast in Nugegoda, and a smaller scale one in Yala in the last few months.

Does this make Sri Lanka any more dangerous than the U.S.A? Or India? I think not. But it is funny how we only hear about the travel advisory for Sri Lanka. How Britain keeps informing her citizens where not to visit in Sri Lanka, or in fact, not to visit Sri Lanka at all, if possible. We have Indians (certainly not all of them, but a few) wondering if Sri Lanka is 'safe enough' to visit - god forbid a series of bombs explode outside our courthouses!

I'm not saying that Sri Lanka has achieved the gold standard in safety, but at this stage aren't all things relative? When men can drive a car full of gas cylinders into Heathrow, why are Sri Lankan forces expected to perform any better? It is downright annoying to have foreigners question the safety of Sri Lanka, when their own countries are clearly no better (and our own Kalu Suddha's are no different). A brief glance at their own daily newspapers will show them that Sri Lanka is no better or worse than their own cocoons in their respective countries.

I wish one of our leaders would one day have the guts to point this out to these know-it-alls.

So I spent the weekend meeting some people. Adults and children. There was this one particular kid whom I found annoying. Not too annoying, but enough for me to come to the conclusion that he wasn't very well brought up - little else you can think about a 7-year old who runs around trying to put his fingers into electrical sockets (among other things) till some adult stopped him .

Then I met this couple - really lovely people - till I gathered that they were the parents of said child. So I very politely kept my opinion to myself, which became increasingly difficult to do. Why? Because the wife turned out to be a woman who had left a well paying job to raise her son - and all she could do was prattle on about how children needed a full-time parent at home (a theory I don't subscribe to). I have nothing against women who choose to stay at home to bring up children, but I do have a problem with them thinking that such is the best way to bring up children, and looking down on mothers who choose to work.

To add, she seemed to think her son was immaculately brought up, and was rather fond of pointing out other children that had gone 'wrong' because both the parents worked.

I know. I should buy her a mirror for Christmas.

...but Douglas Devananda has proved that he can outdo any cat. Yesterday, he successfully survived yet another attempt on his life by the LTTE. according to various sources, this is either 10th or 13th survival. Either way, it is incredible that he has escaped the jaws of death so frequently, and Sri Lanka should sigh a collective sigh of relief that we still have him with us. Big cats the LTTE may be, but Minister Devananda shows that he can do better than even them!

Unfortunately, his PRO, Stephen Peiris (pictured on the right), succumbed to his injuries. His death is all the more tragic because it was his alertness that caused the suicide bomber to be detained and questioned, instead of being sent through to meet the Minister. His presence of mind was commendable, saving the life of Devananda, but I really wish that he would have survived. It is such dedicated, intelligent people that we need in this country. I'm sure his loss will be strongly felt.

People underestimate the value of politicians like Douglas Devananda. A former militant, like Prabhakaran, Devananda has given up arms, entered the political mainstream with his party, the EPDP, and successfully won votes of the very Tamil people that the LTTE claims to be the sole representative of. He has shown us that there is an option other than militancy, an option other than Eelam, and most of all, an option other than the LTTE. Though we may not always agree with EPDP policies, we should all appreciate people like Douglas Devananda, who was strong enough to leave the patch of militancy, and at such dire risks to his life, continues to tirelessly work to put an end to the mayhem wreaked by the LTTE.

On another note, the LTTE has shown the world their true colours. Some of us already knew it, but foreign know-it-alls, most notably the American & British High Commissioners in Sri Lanka, seem to need constant reminding. These are the terrorists that the Western world (plus India) thinks we should negotiate with. They have tried to kill a leading Tamil politician (for the 13th time), and during the entire course of the day, we didn't hear so much as a hum out of those wonderful Human Rights activists, NGOs or foreign powers. Hypocrisy at it's best.

Thankfully, as Devananda has shown us, resilience against the LTTE is stronger than any aid or any help that foreign powers may bestow upon us. Let us all hope that Minister Devananda will live to see the end of the LTTE, and prove that he is better than any cats - big or small. And let us also hope that Stephen Peiris' sacrifice will not be in vain.

I’m not going to start on a vilification campaign against social networking sites such as Facebook or MySpace, because that’s not what this post is about. It’s about two separate incidents, separated by thousands of miles, both encapsulating why people should earn a license to have children.

True Story No. 1 – Missouri, U.S.A

Tina & Ron have a daughter, Megan, who was described by friends as ‘bubbly, goofy, and chubby’. At 13, she opened a MySpace account (officially, you need to be over 14 to register) with the full knowledge, monitoring and consent of her parents. She also has a female friend X. She eventually has a falling out with X. X’s mother and X, along with another as yet unnamed, unaged person opens another MySpace account, as a fictional boy Josh Evans, who then proceeds to become friends with Megan. Friends possibly became a bit more than friends, before fictional Josh Evans broke off with her, claiming that Megan did not ‘treat her friends properly’. Megan Meier hanged herself hours after ringing her mother in tears to say a group of users on MySpace were sending her abusive messages and posting public bulletins calling her "fat" and "a slut".

A sample of the comments posted about this 13 year old:

“Megan Meier is a slut. Megan Meier is fat.”

"Everybody in O'Fallon (Missouri) knows how you are. You are a bad person and everybody hates you. Have a sh--ty rest of your life. The world would be a better place without you."

The creators of the fake Josh account (X and her mother), refuse to apologize to the family, and claim that they were trying to gain Megan’s confidence to see what she was saying about X.

Full story available at

True Story No. 2 - Kolkata, India

Afazuddin Ali, 36, a daily wage labourer, has appeared before court. Why? Because villagers in West Bengal complained that he had confessed to marrying his daughter, who is now pregnant, six months ago. Worse still, no one in the family had complained about it. The girl’s age is also in question, and medical tests are underway to determine it. She’s never even been to school. Police are in the process of filing the correct charges against him. The man, incredibly, is not remorseful, and instead was quoted as saying:
"I have not committed any crime, don't you see it was God's will,".

Full story available at


Why are parents like this allowed to have children at all? Megan’s parents may have made a mistake in letting her open a MySpace account, but that is nothing when compared to the mother of X. Which parent in their right mind would initiate and encourage their child in such a vile, deceptive campaign against another person? How do you post such abusive remarks at a kid - a 13 year old girl, who was known to have trouble with her weight? Isn't that just plain cruel? With that kind of guidance, can you imagine what the kid will grow up into?

As for that man in India – I don’t know what to say. He’s just 36, so can you imagine how young his daughter was? And she’s pregnant!!!!!!! What I want to know is which idiot married them off? A priest so blind that he couldn’t see the girl’s youth? What is this world coming to?

Children do not ask to be born into this world – we, for our selfish reasons, decide to have kids. Why should they then have to suffer for the obvious ineptitude of these parents? Stories such as the above (and there are a gazillion others like it) only reinforces the point that we humans are not capable of the seemingly simple task of bringing up our young. I mean (the occasional cats aside), do you see a lioness eat her cub? An elephant rape its young? A pack of dogs hound a puppy? Nooooooooo…animals are so much better behaved than us, and moreover, they make the better parent.

Having children should be regulated, like getting a drivers license - or better still, a pilot’s license. Strong, strict tests and courses and exams. Only the very brave, and the very able would pass such a test, and be thus allowed to have children. Not only would that control the burgeoning population, it would also mean better parents and thus better children. It's glaringly obvious that we need some kind of control on who is allowed to become parents.

We already do it for people who want to adopt - it shouldn't be too great a leap to have more stringent mechanisms for all wannabe parents.

I'm proud of the fact that I've not eaten meat for the last 7 years or so. Haven't applied for the halo yet, since I'm having difficulty giving up fish, but I have cut down on the frequency in which it features in my meals. I didn't give up meat for any religious reason. I happened to sit inside a bus daily, and watch caged chickens in Pettah, waiting to be killed. And I figured that that chicken feels the same pain my dog would, were I to slaughter her. Of course, giving up what I had got used to took some time - I carefully planned a system so that I could give it all up sequentially.

Nowadays, I get really annoyed by people's reactions. When I go out with people to eat, they're surprised at my not eating meat. Of course, it's cloaked with respect when they ask if it's due to religious beliefs, but all that disappears when I say that it's because I feel sorry for the animals, and we don't need to kill them when we have plenty else to eat. The scorn and disbelief I face is incredible - and it irritates the living daylights out of me. Why should I be made feel inferior for taking the higher road?

Sillier still are the excuses they then feel compelled to make for themselves. I've heard excuses such as 'I can go without meat for a week, but I feel sick if I don't have it after that/just can't go longer without it'. Are they crazy? Meat doesn't have nicotine, you know? What's there to get addicted over? Why not just be honest and say 'I eat it because I like it'? If anyone really wanted to stop, they could. It just takes strong will power.

I'm not a radical member of PETA, and I'm not one to make a fuss if people eat meat in my presence, but it would be nice if they were honest as to why they do it, and even better if they didn't have an issue with my eating habits.

The most annoying thing though, is when they try to justify it. Animals don't feel the pain, they say. They don't realise they'll be killed, so it doesn't make a difference, they say. If animals feel pain, then so must the plants. These are all bizarre, sublime & ridiculous justifications I've heard.

In that light, I'd like to touch upon The Exorcist, the classic horror film (and book), that still has the power to scare you. Given below is a scene (the only one I could find), where the priest is actually fighting with the demon to exorcise it. Listen carefully to the sound effects, even if you can't bear to watch the video itself.

You know what was used for the sound of the devil screaming? Of it being tortured out of Regan McNeil's body?

That, my friends, is the cry of pigs being taken to the slaughterhouse.

Need I say more?

For those who will not visit the link, let me summarize:

1 ½ years ago, a 19-year-old woman, who is from Saudi Arabia's Shia minority, travels in car with an unrelated male. The trip ends with her being gang-raped 14 times. By seven men – from the majority Sunni community.

The Judgments:

The men: found guilty of the rape and sentenced to prison terms ranging from just under a year to five years.

The victim…yes, that’s right, she got a sentence too! Why? Well, she was initially punished for violating Saudi Arabia's strict laws on segregation of the sexes - she was in an unrelated man's car at the time of the attack, which violates Saudi Arabia’s segregation laws that state that unrelated men & women cannot associate with each other. Her punishment? 90 lashes.

The Appeal:

This incredibly brave young woman decided to appeal her sentence, to which the judges decided that she was using the media to influence them. So they then tripled the number of lashes she was to receive to 200, and to add insult to injury, added a 6 month jail sentence to boot. Officially, she is being punished for ‘trying to aggravate and influence the judiciary through the media’.

To add, for some incomprehensible reason, the girl’s lawyer has also had his license to practice confiscated, has been suspended from the case and faces a disciplinary hearing.

That the attackers’ sentences were also doubled is hardly consolation, considering that the death penalty was a viable option in this instance. Even for the über liberal, they could have at least got life sentences. Mind you, all seven guys did NOT get 5 (or 10 on appeal) years. Some got far lesser sentences.

Now, in my entire life, I have never even met a rape victim. I can only begin to imagine the trauma that such a person must go through, not just at the time of the attack, but for the rest of her life. Certainly, the media has shown us plenty of examples. And this was not an ordinary rape – this 19 year old was gang raped by no less than 7 men. The guts and strength of character she has shown, not only by going to court and charging them, but also to appeal with an obviously biased judiciary is truly commendable.


Beyond that…I’m absolutely horrified. I don’t quite get if the judges were bias due to the gender issue, or due to the fact that she was Shia Muslim. The fact that the men were convicted at all leads me to believe that there was very strong, credible evidence. And that is not a feminist standpoint, but one of basic logic and humanness. How, as a society, do we move forward when such actions happen, and we don’t bat an eyelid?

Leave aside the sentences of the men – I suppose in such stultified, unequal society, it is too much to expect that a man would be given an appropriate punishment for any crime against a woman. How could the judiciary punish the girl? For influencing the media? What a load of bull. The judiciary should know not to be influenced – it’s her right to talk to the media. How can they punish her for a crime that doesn’t exist? Or is subjective to say the least?

As for the lashes…I guess the law is the law, and had there been no rape, she would still be due for a lashing. But where is the humanity? Where is equity? Sentencing is in the hands of the judges – they could have sentenced her for even 2000 lashes, and suspended the sentence, maybe till a second violation. At least that way, the judiciary follows the rules and displays an ounce of humanity.

Why is nobody looking at the Middle East more seriously? Why is that Sri Lanka gets lashed left and right for HR abuses at the drop of a hat, most of them unfounded, while the HRW, Amnesty et all says precious little about these incidents? Why are these never followed up? Why does the U.K will offer political asylum to a veteran terrorist of over 20 years, but will not lift a fingernail in cases such as this?

I’d like to see the heralders of religious, or Sharia law now. Or those who preach endlessly on religion. This is what it does – it divides people based on gender, on sects and a host of other senseless things, and proceeds to decide which is better than which. This may be an extreme case but I challenge anyone to tell me that religion has done more good than harm. I could write a book on this topic, but it’s a blog, and I guess I should stop, before people just skip this page altogether.

And before I forget, today I am ashamed to be a law student.

I drive a pretty old car, and have had to cough up quite a bit of dough on ‘running’ repairs frequently. Running repair. What kind of a bizarre term is that anyway? Obviously repairs will be there for running vehicles – you keep one in the garage all month long, you’ll have no repairs save a dead battery and perhaps old fuel.

Back to my point. Having a repair every three months or so, no matter how big or small, has made me paranoid. So when I got new brake pads put two weeks back, I thought I was home safe for another few months. Then starts the creepy screech. Each time I brake. Angry that the garage screwed it up, terrified that it was more serious than a brake pad (and thus another mountain of money), I avoided the garage for a good two weeks. Good thing too, because apparently, that screech is my new brake pad trying to break in. I was told by a smirking colleague to cancel the garage trip, and to get used to the screech for another month or so.

This what owning a car has done to me. It’s turned me into a paranoiac.

No, I'm not about to break into song (and if I was, you'd hate to hear it!). I'm just soooo bugged with people. Specifically. In a wide variety of areas. So let me start with....

The idiots who wear Tissots and Tag Heuers on their wrists, but cannot comprehend how to use such fancy watches. I’ve come across these morons frequently here, and most recently this morning. He remembers at 11.30 a.m. that he has a meeting at 12.00p.m., and starts looking for transport at about 11.45 a.m. Naturally, to avoid him getting late for meetings, who’s the idiot that has to volunteer her car? If you guessed that it was me, you’d be guessing correctly. Grrrrrrrr What is the point of having watches if you don’t know the value of time? Or forward planning?

Why do people assume that if you are under 35, you have no expenses to speak of, save on clothes and ice cream? I'm sick to death of people who roll their eyes when I complain of finances and ask me "What expenses can you have? Your parents are there, no?" I wish I could introduce them to the sole of my shoes, and while they get over that, explain that some of us actually have to fend for ourselves.

Now we come to this strange Sri Lankan habit of working late. And by late, I mean REALLY late. It’s not like staying back for an extra half hour, or an hour. I’ve seen lots of my friends stay back for hours and hours in office, and coincidentally, they’re mostly males. And from stories I hear, it seems to be a common phenomena.

I cannot believe that people here are that inefficient that they need to stay in office the entire day to get work done. Stranger still are the bosses that think working late is the norm. Do these people have no family, friends or a life in general outside of office? No wonder so many people have unhappy marriages – when you see your office peon more than your spouse, who’s surprised?

Meetings frequently get scheduled for 4.30p.m. or even later, and employees are expected to simply shut up and put up. Women get the worst of it. If traveling late is an issue for them, they are labeled ‘not up to it’. If they work late, they can rest assured that their other halves will start looking elsewhere. In fact, the ability to work late is a frequent question at interviews.

I’m completely flummoxed as to why top managers encourage such a dubious habit, especially when it just ends up costing the company more money.


Yeah, the colours reflect how bugged I am with each phenomenon.

How greedy can people be? I'm part of a group collecting 80-page exercise books to distribute to war-ravaged schools in Vavuniya. So an obliging friend emails 250 people with my request...and only two respond (three if you count the moron who wrote back to criticize).

Mind you, one of these books is a mere Rs.25/= in a bookshop, and cheaper still in a wholesale shop. And yet, we get 2 out of 250. That is a 0.8% response rate. Even if your maths is as bad as mine, you'd still realise that 0.8% is pretty damn low. Is that how little people care about the needy?

In related news, people who have two cars in their garage, land all over the country, multiple bank accounts with balances running into six figures, donates - drum roll please - 20 books! A whopping 20! I was so blown away from this act of...greed? Selfishness? Nonchalantness?

People can spend thousands on liquor, cigarettes, clothes and countless other needless items, but looks like when it comes to spending on a useful item for the poor and needy, the purse is tightly shut.

Truly disgusting.

P.S. Anyone interested in donating can leave their email or mobile number and I’ll get in touch with you (your personal info will duly be deleted from this blog).

So, for some bizarre reason, I found myself seated in one of the first rows, at the Ford Models’ Super Model of the World, Sri Lanka contest. True to my nature, I successfully embarrassed the friend I accompanied there by reading a magazine during parts of the show. It wasn’t that boring, but I don’t have an appetite to watch scrawny semi-naked women primp & preen. If you’re wondering why I went, it was for the free food. Really.

So, let me make a list of all what caught my eye:

The red bra. One of the models thought it would be really cool to wear a bright red (or pink) bra under a white t-shirt under blazing lights and strut up and down the ramp. Do they think it’s really clever fashion sense, or is it merely to titillate the guys? Personally, I think it looks trampish, but you can never account for the tastes of some…Note to self: ask a guy and doublecheck.

More colour faux pas. We had peaches n’ cream complexion, bright red dress, bright lights - and white thong. It looked just plain silly, if you ask me. Can you picture? Strutting up & down, for a good ten minutes or so, front-back, front-back….I really hope that at least guys found such gaffes attractive, because such idiocies (from models, that too) needs some kind of excuse.

Babydolls. For the fashion uninitiated, that’s a kind of lingerie that has made its way to party wear. Of course, it resembles something like what these Hollywoodites are wearing when used as party wear.
What our local lasses decided to wear were similar to the black sample displayed here (note length). They may as well have worn swimwear or lingerie, for all the skin they exposed. The saddest bit was since we were seated several feet below them, we got an unnecessarily good view up their dresses. I kid you not. Of course, the view mainly consisted of out-of-shape butts. It was just too silly. Lucky me, I had my magazine.

Closely related to the baby dolls were the shapely legs that desperately needed make up. Scars, spots, blotches, were all visible, ass to ankle. I’m genuinely surprised that nobody looked into this.
The show started with saris, but for some reason I’m putting it last (is it that my memory is failing me?). Who was in charge of the dressing? I’m no expert, but even I could’ve draped a better sari. Some girls were wearing saris that barely had three pleats – and believe me, they were not attempting fusion.

And before I forget, the models were SCRAWNY. The winner was just about passable. Surfboard chest, surfboard stomach...they looked like 15 year old boys. Ok, so some of them weren't exactly flat, but without the push-up bras, they'd have been lost. Maybe I've lost the plot somewhere, but we don't need to advertise malnourishment in such an obvious manner. That aside, I feel sorry for men who find such waifs attractive.

Yup, I think I covered it all (no pun intended).

Is it just me that doesn't get this whole Asian (that's India, Sri Lanka & Pakistan as far as I know) obsession with fair skin? In the whole course of my existence, I have met just two people who didn't want fairer skin, or a girl/guy with fairer skin. That doesn't say much for our warped mentality.

Adding vitality to life, says Unilevers. They seem to be adding a whole lot more, what with the umpteen variants of fairness products that they put into the market. Apart from earning billions for the company, does this product do one jot of good to the consumer? It takes perfectly normal skin (yes, dark skin IS the norm for this region) and offers the completely unnecessary solution of making it fair. The saddest bit is that it isn't even permanent - the moment you stop using the cream, you're skin will go back to looking like that of a normal Asian's (nope, that's not personal experience).

Now they come up with a new & improved term - radiance cream. Who on earth do they think they are kidding? The product is still Fair & Lovely right, radiance or not? Grrrrrrrr...I don't even know where to begin. The premise is that to get anything at all in life - friends, a guy, a girl or a job, one needs to be beautiful (radiant, it seems these days). Beauty is defined as being fair. What happened to beauty being only skin deep? What happened to character, personality, values or intelligence? Apparently, you need none of those as long as you're well stocked with Fair & Lovely.

Now we have the almost absurd situation of Shahrukh Khan, dark as ever, advertising Men's Active, the male version of Fair & Lovely. You would think that with all that money, fame & riches, he'd have the good sense to refrain from indulging in an ad so putrid. But no, because good sense goes straight out the window when the cash register jingles. I think someone should call Madame Tussaud's. his waxen image will need to be lightened, in light of his latest commercial engagement. I guess I'm being naive to expect the local Joe to exhibit sense, when our educated superstars doesn't seem to be any the wiser.

These kind of utterly irresponsible products only worsen a region beset with a colonial hang-up - fair, white skin. Not one single person who wants to be fair can give you a solid reason as to why. To be 'pretty' or 'so that guys will like me' is pathetic to see the least. The obvious logic of not needing to be surrounded by people who appreciate you for something that superficial seems to totally escape them.

Apart from causing indescribable damage to a young girl's self esteem, and warping her values for good, we apparently decided to advertise as a region our collective lack of sense. Two cricket matches, two countries, and two separate incidents of racial abuse at African/Black players. Our love of white skin has taken us to new levels of shame. Australian all-rounder Andrew Symonds was racially abused by spectators while fielding in Thursday's one-day match against India in Baroda, and in a completely unrelated but equally shameful incident, four spectators in Lahore were arrested on Friday for making racist remarks towards a South African player and official during the final day of the second Test against Pakistan.

Is this what we've come to? Taunting and abusing people for being black? For heavens sake, we're Asians!!! Do they not have any mirrors at home? The need to be white is so ingrained in our psyche that now we look down on dark skin. What right do we have to complain of Murali being taunted Down Under, when we've effectively shown that we are no better? Before anyone says that Sri Lanka has not yet hosted such shameful displays of racism, I think we all know that the mentality is common enough here.

Shame on everyone who has ever endorsed fair skin, and anyone who has ever bought a tube of Fair & Lovely should be arrested for exibiting levels of stupidity that is surely illegal.

I've touched on this before, so you can consider this as an extra paragraph on one of my earlier posts, and less of a brand new post.

BBC reports that the US State Department is still wondering how $1.2 billion has been spent by a private US company, DynCorp, ostensibly to train Iraqi police. Yup, one of those private contract thingies.

These Americans must be taking lessons from us, because they sound more Sri Lankan everyday. Key phrases include "there has been no intentional fraud", from which we may be expected to assume that the fraud was unintentional. How do you have unintentional fraud, anyway? I must keep my eyes pealed for the next State Department release, which might explain this.

In this information age, they've also managed to lose track of the documents, because that's the official reason as to why the auditors have stopped trying to audit the programme. The audit goes on to say that the State Department cannot say "specifically what it received" for most of the money paid to DynCorp, the largest single contractor to the department.

It's hilarious. They don't know where the money went, what they got in return, and even the paperwork is a mess. Who are we to criticize the Sri Lankan government, when the Americans are faring no better?

I'm off to do penance for abusing my government.

Since I'm such a good samaritan, I have decided to give some free advice to those in La-La Land. It's really nice that they entertain us so with movies, music & related escapades, but some radical changes are needed. Pronto. The list is not in order of importance.

1. Get creative... no, really.

See, we expect creativity from the arts. REAL creativity. Is there no one left who can come up with something original? Turning '70s TV shows into movies, and then turning '80s movies into TV shows is NOT beng creative. Frasier aside, the countless spin-offs from one show to another doesn't count, either. Are people so short of ideas that we are seeing so much rehashing? Or is it merely Hollywood's way of going green and recycling? Imagine all those scripts that can be re-used...

While we're at it, copying Broadway shows, Japanese horror movies, French art house flicks & turning books into movies are ALL out as well. Jane Austen was creative, Hideo Nakata was creative, Sandra Nettlebeck was creative. Copying them, is not.

Ditto for the music. What is with the rehashing of old songs? I know Ronan Keating would be out of a job if people weren't allowed to remake songs, but the insane amount of oldies being sampled, rehashed (and thus trashed) is not funny.

Plus, we have You Tube as well. We can always watch the reruns.

2. Let the bad guys win.

Horror movies aside, I've never seen the bad guys win. And it confounds me. They're smarter, faster, richer, and altogether have a far better idea of the happenings than the erstwhile heroes. So why do they never win? It defies logic as to how a guy who realises the plot only at half-time, realizes who the enemy really is 20 minutes to the credits, still manage to cross the finish line. Please, apply some realism and let the bad guys win. They deserve it.

3. Fat farm or the drip?

Britney's too fat, Keira's too thin...can Hollywood please achieve a standard and stick to it? It's bad enough that they've permanently messed up body image issues for females, there is no need to add to it by turning us all schizophrenic. Keira Knightley being too thin is understandable, but if Britney Spears is fat, well, then...on second thoughts, maybe it's Hollywood who's gone schizo. Can someone please call emergency services?

4. ¡No más de criadas mexicanas!

If there's a maid, you can bet she'll be Mexican (and named Maria). What is with that? I know Amerca has immigration issues, but I get the feeling that every household is not employing a Mexican maid. I'm surprised that no association has objected yet to this blatant stereotyping. At any rate, I suggest Hollywood gets itself a map, and start importing maids from somewhere else. Let the Mexicans get on with their lives.

5. Exile Paris. And Britney.

Why are they even in the media? No talent, no sense, no personality. We are simply not interested in watching them pout at the camera, get arrested, and look for lost sex tapes. PLEASE get rid of them. Inside a coffin would be preferable. And while, their at it, what about Lindsay Lohan? Sure she's talented, but not that talented. Get rid of her too.

6. Reality is NOT TV.

Get it? Reality is 'real' life. Please do not confuse it with 'reel' life. Reality TV is that box-like object in our living rooms. It is a grammatically incorect way of saying TV in reality. Reality TV is boring, scripted and UNreal. Get rid of it.

7. Call WFP
It seems that all there is to eat in the movies and on TV is Chinese. In fact, Hollywood alone consumes more Chinese food than China itself. Proven fact. My local Chinese restaurant assured me that this was so. So perhaps Hollywood like to vary its diet a bit - Italian, perhaps? If they are in such dire need of food, they could always call the WFP.

8. It's over when the credits roll.
'The End' used to appear at the end of old Hollywood movies, assuring us that we will not be subject to umpteen putrid sequels. It's a shame that they've let go of this habit now, because every movie has a sequel now - it used to be just '70s horror, but it's everything now, even 'Evan Almighty'. It's over when the credits roll, and we like it that way.

9. Everyone doesn't have to fall in love...especially when you're blowing people up.

Notice how it's always a man and a woman who ends up fighting the bad guys (or demons, aliens, ghosts etc.)? And how they somehow find the time for a roll in the hay in between all the action? It's not realistc, it's silly and we'd rather watch the action. Cut it out.

10. Learn Physics and Biology.

Constantly falling off buildings, getting shot, knocking one's head, being set on fire and escaping all this unscathed has got on our nerves a bit. Ok, maybe more than a bit. Some knowledge on the laws of science may help avoid these kind of inanities, so a solid education with basic science is a must.


(Till I run out of ideas and write a sequel)

See, I was never a big Shane Warne fan, but I could never deny the man's talent. Maybe it was that talent that made me think that this guy was fairly intelligent (bookmaker weather dealings aside, of course).

Imagine my shock when I read this morning that he had been caught cheating. AGAIN. That in itself is no sign of lacking grey matter, but the manner in which our illustrious Mr.Warne got caught is the killer - he sent a text message regarding a rendezvous point with his lover to his wife. WTF?? I mean, how dumb can you get - this is not his first time getting caught with his pants down either.

As per the press reports, Warne's wife was preparing their children for school when she got a message saying: Hey beautiful, I’m just talking to my kids, the back door’s open

Apparently, she replied by saying: You loser, you sent the message to the wrong person.

I'm not sure exactly how accurate these reports are (Warne is obviously denying it), but if it is indeed true, it really does make one wonder as to how stupid a person can get - especially when cheating.

Even in retirement, Warne continues to entertain.

A Sri Lankan man, Mohammed Ilham Fareed, decides to migrate to Australia. With his wife. That was back in 2005. Less than 5 years later, he falls foul of the law. Why, I hear you ask. Well, He groped the breasts of three female Brisbane bus passengers. The purported excuse was that he had an infatuation with Australian women
The whole adventure of exactly what he did and how he was caught can be found on the link at the end of this post.

I mean last I checked, migrants tried their best to behave in foreign countries, lest they be deported. And this man had a WIFE at home, whom he could presumably grope at will (breasts are breasts, aren't they?). Now the Australian courts had the perfect opportunity to get rid of such an undesirable from their country. How? Well, a 12-month jail sentence means that this the Fareed would risk failing Federal Government's character test, and therefore deportation.

So what do you suppose the courts, presided over by a female judge (Judge Helen O'Sullivan) did? They figured that Fareed was precisely the kind of exemplary rogue...ooops...citizen that Australia needed. So they gave him a 10 month sentence, topping it off with parole on the 17th of November. Those three women must be checking out all the vehicle dealerships in Brisbane as we speak.

I just don't get it. It was a FEMALE judge. He assaulted THREE women. He is not a native, he is an IMMIGRANT. Why is the law trying to help him pass a character test that in any really sense he very obviously fails?

Eve teasing is a very serious offence, and it is very much part and parcel of violence against women. As a Sri Lankan, I find the story shameful, and as a woman I find it offensive. As a potential immigrant, I find the whole thing ludicrous. Over and above everything, I'd like to put a hole in that judge's head.

A sweet, touching (and real) story about how a British lady holidayed in Sri Lanka, and ended up starting a charity that rescued the poor, street dogs that are abused by all and sundry on a daily basis.

It is heartening to know that there are people who will undertake to fix problems and help the innocents that always end up suffering due to our own idiocies.

Why is it that dog (and cat) owners in Sri Lanka are unable to use their heads when raising pets? Pets are routinely left unneutered, and the ensuing litter of babies are almost always left on a road side far, far away from their own residences. Pet ownership should be via a license, much like driving. Those not mature enough to plan ahead shouldn't know the joy of having pets.

In light of yesterday's post, I thought I'd also ad some simple, hard hitting ads on how much we destroy the environment around us.

Copy reads:

The effect of greenhouse pollution heats planet. It is now necessary to act.

At the rate we're going, our environment will soon look like this.

One of the strongest ads.

“If children were brought into the world by an act of pure reason alone, would the human race continue to exist? Would a man rather have so much sympathy with the coming generation, as to spare it the burden of existence? Or at any rate not take it upon himself to impose that burden upon it in cold blood.”

~Arthur Schopenhauer (1788-1860) Sufferings of the World 1851

Everyday, I learn something new. But on certain specific days, you learn something truly radical. Today, I was introduced to the Voluntary Human Extinction Movement. Yes, there is truly such a movement. Their objective – by voluntarily reducing the human population, we will allow the earth’s biosphere to return to what it should be.

I thought it quite bizarre, and bordering on comic, but when one actually goes through the site – it really does make sense. No other species, or even group of species, has done more harm to this planet than Homo Sapiens. Why should all animal and plant species suffer for our inexhaustible greed, ignorance and destructive tendencies?

Radical it may be, but I think it's an excellent idea. After all, people don’t have sex to have children – they have sex because it’s enjoyable. Is it not possible for us to have a fulfilling life, without having children? I myself have always been a strong advocate of adoption – orphanages are brimming with kids who need a home. What’s the point in having your own kids if you can have what you want and make the world a better place?
Just so that you have some idea of the destruction you alone cause this planet, go to and check it out. Do you really want to multiply that number by the number of kids you plan to have?

In essence, VHEM is encouraging us to limit our reproductive tendencies to one, or preferably no, children. They ask:

In light of the 40,000 children dying of malnutrition each day, and considering the number of species going extinct as a result of our excessive reproduction, do you think it would be a good idea to create another of yourself?

What would your answer be?

In brief, 8 suspects, aged between 16 - 21 have been arrested in Israel. What are they accused off? Being Nazis. That's right - 8 Israeli boys, who go about attacking homosexuals, traditional Jews, foreign workers and drug addicts. Sadder still is the fact that they frequently video taped their attacks. Their homes too, were mini shrines to Adolf Hitler.

WTF? What on earth is this world coming to, if young Israeli boys can turn to Nazism? Israel, born essentially because of the holocaust, inadvertently has given birth to the very Nazis they were escaping from. I find that I can't write anything further than summarizing the incident.

It's shocking, and more disturbingly, it scares me. I guess it's true what they say - you are your own worst enemy.

At 28, I'm used to watching sexually explicit movies in the presence of either of my (moderately conservative) parents. Nudity, a few moans and grunts here & there is absolutely ok.

However, I didn't expect any of that when I rented a Spike Lee movie, and that too a horror movie. I had heard of the Son of Sam, and when I saw the DVD (image) at my local video store on this serial killer, I knew I had to watch it. Then I saw that it was by Spike Lee, and my anticipation knew no limits. Sure, there was a 'R' rating, but I naturally assumed that it was for the blood & gore involved. Alas, my naivete!

I sat down to watch this, and it didn't take 5 minutes for my mother to join me, another fan of the horror genre. Maybe when we were greeted with a rather graphic sexual scene within the first 15 minutes, I should've seen the signs. The movie became progressively embarrassing to watch, especially with anyone over 45. The horror/murder aspect was so sketchy and so brief that you wouldn't know you were watching a horror movie. Instead, we were treated to sexual encounters of all types and sizes, and as graphically as possible.

It's one thing to watch two people having sex. It's something else completely to watch multiple women, a handful of men and people whose gender was in doubt, get it on. Over and over and over again. To give you some idea, there are a total of 12 explicit, graphical sexual scenes, together with all the relevant sound effects. Mind you, this is including an orgy with no less than 7 people. This not even counting the many sexual innuendos, and minor encounters.

By this time I was skipping chapters at random, hoping for either the end credits or a severed head, but the former came way too late (no pun intended), and the latter not at all. Why did I continue watching - well, I really didn't want my mother to think I knew what this crap was about before I rented it, so I figured that I should see it to it's end.

Aside from the porn fest, the movie completely fails to connect with you, and through it's entirety, I failed to see a single valid point. Why is crap like this touted as artsy films, given fabulous ratings by critics, and left on counters to assault our senses at whim? What is the difference between 'Summer of Sam' and your regular porn flick? Both are equally mind numbing, and both are various sexual encounters interspersed with dialogue.

The only answer I can come up with is that any sex-fest, if it's made by a person famous enough, can escape the porn tag and become an art film. Nothing else can explain this movie.

Shame on Dilith, shame on Varuni, and shame on whoever else designed the Triad website.

Never have I seen a website which defamed the national identity, the national flag and the national anthem of Sri Lanka as Triad has done on their website. True enough, Triad
as an agency has milked the feeling of patriotism for all it’s worth, from fairly well orchestrated campaigns for Lanka Bell to the pedestrian numbers for Mihin Air to the downright bizarre items they did for Laughs. It’s one thing to trump patriotism as a marketing gimmick, but it’s something else altogether to use elements of the national identity for personal profit. Not even the government websites, or that of the Rajapakse brothers comes close to this drivel.

Maybe they schooled abroad…

Perhaps the powers-that-be at Triad (for all their nationalistic fervor) do not realize that one must rise and stand at attention on any and every occasion the national anthem is played, despite every school going child being aware of this. How else can you explain the fact that they have used the national anthem of Sri Lanka as the opening track for their website (yeah, that’s right – a PRIVATE sector ad agency), while the national flag is being hoisted.

Or maybe they’re inspired by a Spice girl wearing the Union Jack…

To ad insult to injury, the entirety of this website can be activated by clicking on various points on the flag. The first time I visited the website, I didn’t even understand how to operate it, because I could not imagine anyone defaming a flag in such a manner. Believe me when I say this, ALL their controls are on that flag.

Here’s the icing on the cake. Each element of the flags takes you to different aspects and achievements of Triad. This how they have gone about it:

Crimson: ‘We unite’ is the slogan, and the text is about Triad’s affiliated companies
Pipul (Bo) Leaf: ‘We grow’ is the slogan, and it shows a list of clients.
Yellow Frame: ‘We shine’ is the slogan, and lists some of their work (yup, scam too).
Orange Strip: “We conquer’ is the slogan and it lists the latest awards w
on (scam, yet again).
Green Strip: ‘We inspire’ is the slogan, and lists various achievements of the glorious Triad.

The actual meaning of the Sri Lankan flag :the green stripe represents Sri Lanka's minority Muslims and the orange stripe the minority Hindu Tamils. The yellow represents Buddhism and the crimson stands for a long life. The golden lion is an ancient symbol of the people and the sword is a symbol of authority. The pipul tree leaves are a Buddhist symbol and come from the tree, under which Prince Gautama is said to have received enlightenment and become Buddha. Individually the leaves represent love, compassion, sympathy and equanimity.

Diabolic, discriminatory, or just plain dumb...?

So not enough with debasing the flag, they decided to take controversy to new levels. Buddhist symbols are equated with the most commercial aspect – clients & work (and scam!). But the
worst bit is this: the colour representing Muslims is said to ‘inspire’, and that which represents the Tamils – ‘conquer’. What is Triad saying? What is any right-thinking person supposed to assume? The Tamils were conquered? Or the Tamils conquer? In fact, I know not what to think, except that Triad has taken serious leave of their collective senses.

As you can see on this image, the green strip takes you to 'we inspire', and if you click on the orange strip, it'll take you to 'we conquer'. This website is insulting, discriminatory and racially insensitive, to say the very least. I think it is obvious to all the many issues related to this site, and I ask you all to send a protest email to:

P.S. You have all the right in the world to copy all or parts of this blog

We are surrounded by idiots. We all know that. But how can you be sure that the fellow next you is in fact, an idiot? Well, I've come across a simple test. A guy I knew to be a certified idiot sent me the following email, and by that he proved his idiocy. Now all you have to do is to send it to everyone you know, and watch who actually forwards it. Whoever succumbs to your trap is a certified idiot.

Dear All.
Please pass on to all your friends and relatives the following mail from Nokia.
Nokia is giving away phones for free for Sri Lankans.Nokia is trying word-of-mouth advertising to introduce its product and the reward you receive for advertising for them is a free phone free of cost. To receive your free phone all you have to do is to send this email out to
8 people (for a free Nokia N70) or

20 people (for a free Nokia E61 i) or
50 people (for a free Nokia N95).
Within 2 weeks you will receive a free phone. (They will contact you through your e-mail address).
Please mark a copy to:-

Best regards,
Jean Neo

Believe it or not, this is exactly how I got the email, which means that the loser who sent it to me didn't even notice that person he was supposed to copy the mail to was left blank. wouldn't that have been the first sign that this was a hoax? Or perhaps the sign would have been that this 'word-of-mouth advertisement' in fact, had no product advertising! So how would Nokia's products be promoted? I could go on, but I won't, since if you're reading this blog, you definitely don't need me to point out the absurdities on the above.

Idiots - I know they give us a reason to laugh every day, but do we really need so many of them?

Adventures, adventures – I love them so much. This weekend, I was treated to one such adventure (in two parts). Where, I hear you ask. At the wonderful police station in Mount Lavinia.


Let’s start at the beginning. At precisely 9.15 a.m. on Saturday morning, I headed to the police station to give my finger prints (for those wonderful police certificates all foreign embassies desire).

The first point I noticed (and I do think about this whenever I enter a government building), was how easy it would be to bomb the place. As you enter, the sentry asks you to state your purpose and whatever your answer maybe, he waves you right through. At the main door, a rather bored looking police officer (rank unknown), again asks you to state your purpose. After glancing cursorily at your NIC, and writing the number down in a huge register, you’re allowed to enter.

At this point, my imagination saw me bombing the place down – why, because it could be done, of course! Seriously though, given the situation in this country right now, you’d think that a POLICE station would have better security.

Moving on. After entering a near-empty Administrative unit, and waiting for some 15 minutes, a kindly looking officer asked me what I was doing there. When I told him, he said that some big-shot (I can’t remember the designation) was there and ‘checking the books’, so I won’t be able to get my job done today. I was asked to come on Sunday.


Re-read paragraphs 1 – 3 and you’ll have some idea on how the second visit began.

This time however, the Administrative unit was bustling with activity. Apparently, the whole of Mount Lavinia is trying to leave the country, because that’s how many people were there trying to get police clearance certificates.

Much like most public offices, queues were conspicuous by their absence. There were about 5 chairs and 01 bench for some 20 of us to sit on. We were told to fill a rather simple form, and then they transferred part of that info (and other info verbally collected) onto 2 IDENTICAL fingerprint forms. Apparently, they have heard of neither a photocopy machine, nor of carbonized paper. For each of us there, we filled out a white form, and then the police officer transferred that info manually onto two identical fingerprint forms. I’m repeating myself so that you get some idea of how ridiculous the whole thing is.

I watched while few of the people in front of me gave two sets of fingerprints onto the two identical forms. Then it all suddenly stopped. Why? Because the station ran out of those identical fingerprint forms! They realized this before the last form was filled. I mean, seriously! Doesn’t anyone keep a tab on the stationary? Some reordering, perhaps?

Now comes the next discovery – they don’t have a photocopy machine! At least that’s what I’m assuming, because they didn’t do the very simple task of photocopying the last clean forms left. Instead, they dispatched some little fellow to ‘bring’ extra forms. I don’t know if he went to the Dehiwala police station or the one in Ratmalana, but I know that we waited for some 30 minutes at least till he returned. All of us, cooling our heels under a tiny ceiling fan.

Finally, things got back on track, we repeated the same odious process, and it was finally done. Half a day wasted, just to get black inky goop all over my fingers.

What more can I say? This is how efficient our police stations are.

(To their credit though, they were all very polite)

Good luck to anybody else planning to make the same visit.

Has a new language been invented while I slept? The SMS lingo these days is bizarre. Why do kids use these mind boggling abbreviations when each mobile has dictionary? Is their spelling so bad? This is an SMS I got from a colleague:

"Ill b l8 2 wrk 2day"

It looks like something a printer would print during a self cleaning run. To add insult to injury, some moron emailed this to me today as well. I've put a selection below for your own happy education:

1dRfl - wonderful
2 - to/too/
two2dA - today
2moro - tomorrow
3dom - freedom
4 - for
4get - forget
4N - foreign
B - be
B4 - before
C - see/sea
DUZ - does
Gr8 - great
in4ml - informal
L8 - late
L8r - later
M8 - mate
MT - empty
Ne - any
No1- no one
nrg - energy
W8 - wait
SUM1 - Someone

Why would anyone do this to themselves? I thought I could come up with a real cool write up for this picture, but I can't. In case you can't read his board, it says:

"I need a girlfriend. Please call 07736008X"

I can't make out the last digit. Why do they advertise the golf space between their ears?

Thanks, Chamil for the picture.

"The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing."
- Edmund Burke (1729-1797)

The one thing possibly worse than good men doing nothing is good men doing all the wrong things. Most of us are responsible for encouraging fundamentalist Muslims.

These articles highlight the above point, and needs no further input from me. I'm going to just paste the links below.

Sri Lankans must be the vainest people on this planet. Either that or they’re gluttons for punishment. What has brought this on, you may ask. Well, I had the misfortune of attending the Sri Lankan wedding. I am convinced that the only people unhappier than me must’ve been the couple themselves.!

Here is how the day went for the couple:

9.00 a.m. – 12.00 p.m. : Getting dressed, make-up etc.
Can you beat that? 3 HOURS to wear a sari & a suit? Just how ridiculous
is that? It’s as if they actually sewed the clothes at that time, which is how bizarre the time limit was.

12.00 p.m. – 3.00 p.m. – Photographs
If possible, this is more ridiculous than the time it took to get dressed. And for what purpose? Have you seen what Sri Lankan wedding albums look like? Three dozen photos of the couple primping, preening and posing at all odd places – the photo studio, the hotel, the garden…everything but how they behaved naturally on their big day. The whole thing is so fake, and the fact that they take three hours for this rubbish is criminal.

3.30 p.m. – 5.00 p.m. – Church ceremony
This was the first event in the whole day that made any sense at all. (Unfortunately, it didn't last for long)

5.00 p.m. – 6.30 p.m. – MORE photographs!
Did they really need more pictures?! Having come early, I actually witnessed the tail end of this photography session, which I thought was pathetic. The bride was fagged out, and could barely carry her bouquet. The groom didn’t seem to fare much better. The few words we exchanged consisted of a monologue by the bride on how tired she was, what she was put through the whole day, and how she can’t wait for the day to end.

Is that how a bride is supposed to feel on her big day?

6.30 onwards...
At which point we saw the Poruwa (Buddhist) ceremony, and the general eating and drinking. Once again, the couple was placed on a ‘settee back’, as it’s quaintly called, and generally treated like objects on display.

And we all know how much criticisms weddings in general come in for - the cake was too dry, the food was poor, the band was too get the drift. At the most, guests who came would’ve enjoyed the food and the hotel, florists, photographers etc. would’ve minted a small fortune, but the for the couple? Nothing but bleary eyes and aching feet.

For what purpose is all this show & pomp? For keeping the parents (who’ve already had their shot at weddings) happy? Or perhaps the neighbours (who like nothing better than meddling in other people’s affairs)?

Eloping is looking better every day...

Why do I love the U.S.A? Nope, it's not for all the Big Brother bullying, Hollywood histrionics, Bushisms, unwanted invasions or even McDonald's. It's also not for the aid they keep sending our way, with stern chastising on how we should be running our country.

I love the glorious land across the Atlantic because they continuously make Sri Lanka look so damn good. They vindicate us. How, you ask. Have no fear, I shall explain.
Everybody deserves a fair chance. So when as a nation we elected Chandrika Bandaranaike to power once, Sri Lankans could be forgiven. But after one nightmarish turn at power, we voted her back in for the second time round! It was incomprehensible, and more importantly, as a nation our collective level of intelligence and self preservation had obviously sunk to an all time low.

Several years later though, the Americans came to our rescue. They too gave George W. Bush a chance, and with the help of a convoluted voting system, elected him to power once. But they came down to our level and vindicated all our feelings of inferiority when they managed to elect him into power for a second time! Hey, if the world's most powerful nation could be that dumb, we humble Sri Lankans couldn't be so bad, right?

But years passed, and again we started to feel like the lowest of the low. One of the lowest points came when a 100 year old (give or take a few years) pipe burst during the torrential rains in 2007, and we were left with a huge crater on the main road of the country. Could our self respect possibly go any lower? The near 3 weeks that we had to drive past this monstrosity really didn't help.

But when I heard the news this morning, I knew the Americans had once again come to rescue our self respect. An 83 year old steam pipe exploded in Manhattan, leaving Lexington Square not much better off than our own Wellawatte. In fact, it was considerably worse, because Manhattan has reported 1 dead and 20 injured.
All in all, I guess Sri Lanka ain't that bad.

How dumb can people actually get? Very dumb, going by my latest interactions with them. Listed below are the top three that I can remember.

Me: Can you give a write-up on ‘X’?

Moron: Sure.

Me: You can write for about one A4 page.

Moron: Sure…how many pages should I write?

Heard on radio:

“….the LTTE will continue to be prescribed”

(I think they meant PROscribed).


(Radio plays ‘French Kissing in the U.S.A’ by Blondie)

Colleague: What’s French kissing?

Me: (bashing my head against the wall)

I'm sick to death of having all sorts of people - mostly relatives, but a few 'friends' as well - trying to marry me off. 'You're the right age', they say. One should get married before one is too old, apparently. Who decides on this age, anyway? And why do you need marriage? You can have sex without it, you can have kids without it. I see precious little temptation in marriage. Yet, all and sundry wants to marry me off (ironically, most of them aren't even in the happiest of marriages).

Why are relative strangers so eager for a wedding? They'd have to spend on clothes, waste a day, PLUS buy a respectable gift. One of the few things I dislike more than being told to get married is to actually go for someone else's wedding. A room full of people you don't know, poor food and a thousand or so bucks gone for a gift.

And you know what's going to happen if you eventually marry, right? Exactly - they will nag and nag till you have kids.

The meanest, rudest repartees to tell these people are always welcome.

Check out the attached link. Apparently, a new study has shown that men and women spend an equal time talking, dispelling the myth that women yak more than men. Where did that myth originate from, anyways? Aaah, vindication, finally. I just hope enough people read this survey.

On more surveys done comparing men & women, I got the below from MSN:

"Data from a new U.S. government sex survey (of adults aged 20 to 59): Percentage who are virgins: 4. Percentage who were still virgins on their 21st birthday: 15. Percentage of women who have had only one sex partner (or none): 25. Percentage of men who have had only one sex partner (or none): 17. Women's median number of sex partners: 3.7. Men's median number: 6.8. " least the gap between the sexes is closing, though I'm not sure if that's good or bad. The more pertinent question is, who pays for these surveys? I cannot imagine much use for it, except give us something else to talk (or write) about.

I'm back! After months of inactivity, I've gotten off my lazy bum to start posting again. I'm going to start of with some dry humour.

Random humour I came across in the last two weeks:

  • A guy was speaking to me about 5 minutes back about his trip to the United States, where he visited New Jersey, Disneyland, Universal Studios, Mexico & Vancouver. That's right - Mexico & Vancouver. He either thought that the United States referred to the continent or....

  • Three guys, a girl & I make our way to the wonderful airport in Katunayake. The air force security, in their infinite wisdom, stops us. They want to know who's going abroad, so I point at one of the guys. They take his passport, examines it carefully, and says that they want to see his baggage. So we take out the suitcase, and before the security guys open it, they ask if this is a lady's bag. What the ...? What on earth were they thinking? If this is our security, no wonder we get bombed so often...

  • Last week, I went to one of those 'posh' restaurants in Colombo with a friend. I asked for a cheese & tomato sandwich, and after a great deal of time, they brought a cheese, tomato and ham sandwich. My friend told the waiter 'she doesn't eat meat'. At which point the waiter very halpfully told us 'Don't worry, no meat in this sir. Only chicken.' Right. Because chickens, are in fact, fish.

This is hilarious. I know it's way past Christmas, but it's still worth it, especially if you're in the mood for a good laugh. You may have to hand on for a bit, since it takes a bit of time to open. Enjoy!

"No question that the enemy has tried to spread sectarian violence. They use violence as a tool to do that."—Washington, D.C., March 22, 2006

Thus spoke George W. Bush, Jr. Exactly how crazy is this guy? Check out this link, which has a huge list of recorded Bushisms ever. It's a huge list, so you can just skim through it. For all those teachers out there, they can really use these. Simply give it to your class, and ask them to spot the various grammatical, factual or logical errors (and there are plenty of them!).

Few more examples:

"You took an oath to defend our flag and our freedom, and you kept that oath underseas and under fire."—Addressing war veterans, Washington, D.C., Jan. 10, 2006

"I repeat, personal accounts do not permanently fix the solution."—Washington, D.C., March 16, 2005

"We expect the states to show us whether or not we're achieving simple objectives—like literacy, literacy in math, the ability to read and write."—on federal education requirements, Washington, D.C., April 28, 2005

Obviously, Texas failed to achieve the simple objectives!!

The SL Gov. really is too kind to us. When they watched ‘Survivor’, they wanted us poor Sri Lankans to be able to experience the same type of adventures, on a far more regular basis. But they went one up on the show, since we have far more variety here in terms of the field events. In fact, it looks more and more like Survivor meets the Olympics here in the Paradise Isle. Few of the currently available games are listed below:

Dude, where’s the road? : Here, contestants can test their deduction skills against the RDA, conveniently located on the important Kandy-Colombo road, at the heart of the Kadawatha town. Any type of vehicle will do, including push bikes. At strategic points, you will be faced with a challenge: where exactly is the road, and where exactly is the construction site? Believe me, I’ve tried this one and it’s pretty difficult to tell, with the amount of sand, rocks (or boulders or whatever they call the small grey rocks they use in construction) on the road. If you can tell the difference and pass them with minimum damage to your vehicle, you pass. I’m not sure if anyone has won this yet.

In-pin-safety-pin: Remember the old school-yard rhyme? Well, this is like that, available in Colombo 07 and the Galle Road-Duplication Road areas in Colombo 04 & Colombo 05. Pit your wits against those of the Colombo Traffic Police and guess which roads are one-way, which are temporarily barricaded, and which roads can be used for travel. Since it has changed on an almost daily basis in the last few days, every day brings a new challenge. Recommended for those with infinite patience only.

Number 8: When you go for the practical test to obtain a driving (riding?) license for a motor bike, they ask you to drive on an imaginary number 8. Inspired by that, you are now able to do number 8 (and other numbers as well) on any road in Sri Lanka. Just drive (or even walk), to avoid the potholes on the road and you would successfully pass. Third-party insurance is mandatory.

Chinese letters: Open only for those at an intermediate level of ‘Number 8’. Here, you not only avoid the potholes on the road, but also oncoming vehicles and pedestrians. The resulting shape you make will resemble a Chinese character, and thus the name. Again, third-party insurance is mandatory.

Good cop, bad cop: Drive down any main road (we recommend Galle Road, Negombo Road & Kandy Road) and you can take part. Playing instructions are: break any of several traffic rules and get stopped by a cop. Test your deduction skills by offering a bribe – if you guessed right and got a bad cop, you walk away with minimum damage. If you guessed wrong, be ready to sacrifice your license, and approx. ½ day to reclaim the said license. Recommended only for veteran gamblers, and those with high disposable income.

Long train running: Available island-wide. Just drive through any unprotected railway crossing (of which there are plenty), escape unscathed, and you’ve won! Recommended only for those who enjoy extreme sports, as you may end up paying with your life. Also, full insurance is highly recommended.

Obviously, there are few more games that aren’t listed here, but they will have to wait for another day.

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