The Shoat Statements

Random musings by the multiple voices inside my head.


Since I'm such a good samaritan, I have decided to give some free advice to those in La-La Land. It's really nice that they entertain us so with movies, music & related escapades, but some radical changes are needed. Pronto. The list is not in order of importance.




1. Get creative... no, really.

See, we expect creativity from the arts. REAL creativity. Is there no one left who can come up with something original? Turning '70s TV shows into movies, and then turning '80s movies into TV shows is NOT beng creative. Frasier aside, the countless spin-offs from one show to another doesn't count, either. Are people so short of ideas that we are seeing so much rehashing? Or is it merely Hollywood's way of going green and recycling? Imagine all those scripts that can be re-used...

While we're at it, copying Broadway shows, Japanese horror movies, French art house flicks & turning books into movies are ALL out as well. Jane Austen was creative, Hideo Nakata was creative, Sandra Nettlebeck was creative. Copying them, is not.

Ditto for the music. What is with the rehashing of old songs? I know Ronan Keating would be out of a job if people weren't allowed to remake songs, but the insane amount of oldies being sampled, rehashed (and thus trashed) is not funny.

Plus, we have You Tube as well. We can always watch the reruns.


2. Let the bad guys win.

Horror movies aside, I've never seen the bad guys win. And it confounds me. They're smarter, faster, richer, and altogether have a far better idea of the happenings than the erstwhile heroes. So why do they never win? It defies logic as to how a guy who realises the plot only at half-time, realizes who the enemy really is 20 minutes to the credits, still manage to cross the finish line. Please, apply some realism and let the bad guys win. They deserve it.


3. Fat farm or the drip?

Britney's too fat, Keira's too thin...can Hollywood please achieve a standard and stick to it? It's bad enough that they've permanently messed up body image issues for females, there is no need to add to it by turning us all schizophrenic. Keira Knightley being too thin is understandable, but if Britney Spears is fat, well, then...on second thoughts, maybe it's Hollywood who's gone schizo. Can someone please call emergency services?



4. ¡No más de criadas mexicanas!

If there's a maid, you can bet she'll be Mexican (and named Maria). What is with that? I know Amerca has immigration issues, but I get the feeling that every household is not employing a Mexican maid. I'm surprised that no association has objected yet to this blatant stereotyping. At any rate, I suggest Hollywood gets itself a map, and start importing maids from somewhere else. Let the Mexicans get on with their lives.


5. Exile Paris. And Britney.

Why are they even in the media? No talent, no sense, no personality. We are simply not interested in watching them pout at the camera, get arrested, and look for lost sex tapes. PLEASE get rid of them. Inside a coffin would be preferable. And while, their at it, what about Lindsay Lohan? Sure she's talented, but not that talented. Get rid of her too.

6. Reality is NOT TV.

Get it? Reality is 'real' life. Please do not confuse it with 'reel' life. Reality TV is that box-like object in our living rooms. It is a grammatically incorect way of saying TV in reality. Reality TV is boring, scripted and UNreal. Get rid of it.

7. Call WFP
It seems that all there is to eat in the movies and on TV is Chinese. In fact, Hollywood alone consumes more Chinese food than China itself. Proven fact. My local Chinese restaurant assured me that this was so. So perhaps Hollywood like to vary its diet a bit - Italian, perhaps? If they are in such dire need of food, they could always call the WFP.


8. It's over when the credits roll.
'The End' used to appear at the end of old Hollywood movies, assuring us that we will not be subject to umpteen putrid sequels. It's a shame that they've let go of this habit now, because every movie has a sequel now - it used to be just '70s horror, but it's everything now, even 'Evan Almighty'. It's over when the credits roll, and we like it that way.


9. Everyone doesn't have to fall in love...especially when you're blowing people up.

Notice how it's always a man and a woman who ends up fighting the bad guys (or demons, aliens, ghosts etc.)? And how they somehow find the time for a roll in the hay in between all the action? It's not realistc, it's silly and we'd rather watch the action. Cut it out.


10. Learn Physics and Biology.

Constantly falling off buildings, getting shot, knocking one's head, being set on fire and escaping all this unscathed has got on our nerves a bit. Ok, maybe more than a bit. Some knowledge on the laws of science may help avoid these kind of inanities, so a solid education with basic science is a must.

THE END

(Till I run out of ideas and write a sequel)

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Be true to your heart, and true to your conscience.

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