The Shoat Statements

Random musings by the multiple voices inside my head.

For me, being a good friend is not just about being there for someone. It is over and above being that shoulder they lean on once the shit has hit the ceiling. I always thought that being a good friend also included intervening in somebody’s life (even if they’d end up hating you for it) to save them from messing up their lives.

There’s this friend of mine. Before he was ever a friend, he ruined his life in style (quite literally) over some silly, immature girl. His friends and family watched while his life went from bad to worse, and none of them did anything to stop the downward spiral. They were all there for him to come crying to, drink with, be a sounding board to – but no one intervened to unravel the mess.

Now, he is a friend of mine. A good friend. And this time he is involved with yet another girl – Ms. Psychotic Plus Plus (yes, the repetition is intentional); one who is leaps and bounds worse than the former girl. A proper gold digger and stupid to boot. Within the next few months, I see his life being ruined a second time round, in all likelihood causing far more damage than his first brush with chaos. And by a ruined life I mean a very serious kind of ruin – not just a few more lost tears. (And all those close to him share this opinion.)

However, once again, his friends and family seem happy to watch from the bleachers. In fact, I had a good friend of his tell me “being a good friend is about being there for him at the end of all this, when he will need someone to lean on”. Now I understand that we can’t teach other people our own experiences, and people need to learn from their own mistakes. Still.

Are we just supposed to stand by and watch while he ruins his life? I would rather lose a friendship (with him or anyone else) but still have helped do the best for a friend, rather than have a safe friendship with someone who’s life I watched go up in flames. If I could do it alone, I would. But I can’t. And I’m angry and confused by people who know just as well as I do what’s going to happen, and still they do nothing. I don’t buy this BS about “but what can we do?”. If everyone thought hard enough, they would figure out how to get through – there is always a way to get through to somebody, especially a friend.

I’m so frustrated. His life is going down the drain, and all the friends who can do something about it would rather be a crying shoulder. Am I the only one who thinks that a friend has to be more than that?

Am I wrong – is being a good friend simply about being a handkerchief with ears?


Apart from a gentle reminder that he's heading for a trainwreck, you can't force help down someone's throat. A 'handkerchief with ears' might be a slight exaggeration, but effectively I'd prefer a friend like that than someone who poked into my business (despite good intentions) with the prime motive of 'fixing my mess' when I didn't ask for help.

Just my two cents worth!

Hmm a moral dilemma in the truest form. Well actually it depends on the person. Some maybe like Darwin who don't want other ppl, and the others need a helping hand. I have done both. And sometimes you just can't watch from the sidelines. I was forced to step in.. the worst being suicide attempts. So it's a judgment call on your part.

Hmmm...I would step in, if I could. In fact, I have stepped in as far as I can. But others, to are able to do so much more for him, would rather stand idly by!

This isn't quite suicide (though he has come a bit close to that in the past), but it's close enough.

Tough one! I think there's a kindof half way point there, where you just make them realise consequences etc.. being logical and practical rather than forceful? Good luck!

it really does depend on the person. i know i generally ask for advice and then go ahead and do what i wanted to in the first place. so it all depends on whether he wants your help or not. and besides, experience maketh the man.

friendship is highly overated !! it's actually a whole load of bull shit !!!

I was dealing with a similar situation a few months back and I decided it's not my place to step in. I hate it when people interfere in my life without my asking for help and I think others would also feel the same. And the reality is we're all adults who make conscious decisions and the consequences are our own responsibilities. Sounds a bit heartless I know but that could be just me.

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Be true to your heart, and true to your conscience.

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