The Shoat Statements

Random musings by the multiple voices inside my head.

I know that tough times are meant to make you stronger, but I'm sick to death of being made stronger and stronger and stronger. I've come so far, and I'm so close to finally seeing my dream come true. Why is it all being taken away from me? Isn't this the time when the law of averages is supposed to catch up? Can the shit please stop happening?

It's when you're going through tough times that you realise exactly how alone you are in this world. People say family is everything, but that is such a whole heap of bull. On a good day, mine has zero understanding, and at times like this, their empathy and understanding have reached negative figures. Is it really so difficult not to nag, and sympathize instead? Is it really so difficult to comprehend that one's children are different to oneself? I know I can't count on them. I don't want to count on them.

Which leaves me with friends. That I can count on one hand, and still have fingers left. In this situ, not much they can do. Except hold me while I cry. Which seems to be happening far, far too often. Of course, a vast majority of them are hell bent on wearing blinders, while paying no attention to the fact that my life has turned into a bonfire.

So. Friends who are helpless, and a family that could easily drive me insane. One really learns what being alone means at times like this. And what it is like to have to start from scratch, for the nth time in life. I keep telling myself that I'm too old for this shit, but unless I kill myself, I have to deal with it, right? Except that I don't know how to anymore. Everything is going wrong simultaneously, and I see no light at the end of the tunnel. I'm out of ideas, out of options, and most of all, out of strength. I'm bone weary of having to deal with one crisis after another.

I remember Kipling :

If you can make one heap of all your winnings
And risk it all on one turn of pitch-and-toss,
And lose, and start again at your beginnings
And never breath a word about your loss;
If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew
To serve your turn long after they are gone,
And so hold on when there is nothing in you
Except the Will which says to them: "Hold on!"

If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue,
Or walk with kings - nor lose the common touch,
If neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you,
If all men count with you, but none too much;
If you can fill the unforgiving minute
With sixty seconds' worth of distance run,
Yours is the Earth and everything that's in it,
And - which is more - you'll be a Man, my son!

I don't know that I have it in me anymore. I don't know that I can hold on anymore with sheer will alone. I remember Kipling again. And I feel ashamed. So thoroughly ashamed of myself. But I've almost given up. There is only so much strength that a person has in them. I've been tested too far, too often.

I give up.

4 comments:

"The highest reward for a mans' toil is not what he gets for it, but what he becomes by it" - John Ruskin

Blogger to fellow blogger : Don't give up. Just don't. shrug ur shoulders and move on. hugs.

well now...I wouldn't suggest killing urself would be the answer! I know it sounds lame but it gets better...at least thats what I keep telling myself (for the last 5 years)...I feel you with the frustrations that life keeps throwing at you...just read my blog:)

Not sure what else to say except keep the faith...and maybe a change of scene? I'm leaving the US and coming back to Lanka to try it there for a change...mainly because , like you I'm sick of living with other people's dogmas. On that note try reading Steve Jobs famous Stay Hungry Stay Foolish speech...I read it yesterday for a bit of inspiration.

Hope that made some sense....but my heads all over the place these days!

Like N said - suicide is definitely not the answer! Some things are sent to test us to the ultimate extreme. You have to keep the faith that it will be ok. It will hopefully help you to keep going!

Guys, I would never consider suicide. It was mentioned only as an option that cannot be utilised. Guess I wasn't clear enough!

Keeping the faith is getting pretty damn tough though!

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