The Shoat Statements

Random musings by the multiple voices inside my head.

I don't want to be a lawyer anymore. They say this happens to wanna-be DA's in their second year of law school, but I guess it's happening to me early.

I didn't want to be a lawyer for the money. Money was never why I'm upto my eyebrows in debt trying to get a frigging LLB. I wanted to do good. I wanted to help people. I figured that if I'm a prosecutor, I can help put the bad guys away. even if I'm unable to get that far, I'd still be qualified to help victims in some capacity or another.

Now I realize that people don't want to be helped. They actually enjoy living their miserable lives. A genuine soul looking to help them is a BIG no-no. After all, I must be out to get something, no? Why else would I actually stretch my hand out to help somebody? Nobody in their right minds would do that, right?

So why become a lawyer? Why try and do something that no one wants me to do? Why help people when they don't want it? Why do I even bother with any of this shit?

Once there was a girl.

I knew this girl.

She was the girl everyone ran to when they needed help. When they needed a shoulder to cry on. When they wanted good advice. When they wanted a friend. She was everybody’s 3 a.m. friend. I guess you could say that she was the ‘go to girl’. They went away just as fast though, once their problems were solved or once they got the help they needed. Any and everyone who needed help, who needed her, got her. She was just there to help out. Like a cool breeze on a hot day.

She didn’t have any 3 a.m. friends. The only shoulders she had was her own. Everybody else’s pain was her number one priority, but her pain was not anybody's priority. Funny thing was, she was ok with it. She didn’t need anything or anybody. She was just there to do good. To help. And expect nothing in return. It was good that way. She took long walks by herself. She got mugged twice in the process, but she kept taking her walks anyway. She went to the movies by herself. All alone in the movie hall, surrounded by happy families and couples in love. This girl, she was ok with it. She went out and ate alone, sometimes with a book. She must’ve seemed mighty strange to the chattering crowds at the restaurants. She kept doing it anyway. Everything she did, she did alone.

She was so used to it that there were never any tears. Life was a bitch, and she had to see it to the end. But it was also more than that. She got so used to being alone that she stopped needing others. Whatever her problems, she could solve them on her own. If the tears did come, she could wipe them away by herself. Was there any hurt inside her…maybe some hurt she couldn’t quite purge? No one ever knew, because she knew to handle the hurt, and she knew how to handle herself.

The wall around her was rock solid, and higher than any wall you’d have ever seen. Nothing and nobody could penetrate it. Maybe that’s why she didn’t get hurt; because sticks and stones can’t really hurt you, and people were never let inside. There was no need for people, no want for them. Alone was good. Alone was beautiful. Alone worked.

Once there was a girl.

I miss this girl.

I want her back.

Little things, big things. Things that make us feel good. Go on, do something nice. Make someone feel good.

Here’s my list, in no particular order.

1. Falling in love.

2. Laughing so hard your face hurts.

3. A hot shower.

4. No lines at the supermarket

5. A special glance.

6. Getting mail

7. Taking a drive on a pretty road.

8. Hearing your favorite song on the radio.

9. Lying in bed listening to the rain outside.

10. Hot towels fresh out of the dryer.

11. Chocolates!

12. A bubble bath.

13. Giggling.

14. A good conversation.

15. The beach

16. Finding money in your pocket from last year.

17. Laughing at yourself.

18. A moonlit sky.

19. Midnight phone calls that last for hours.

20. Running in the rain.

21. Laughing for absolutely no reason at all.

22. Having someone tell you that you're beautiful.

23. Laughing at an inside joke.

24. Friends.

25. Accidentally overhearing someone say something nice about you.

26. Waking up and realizing you still have a few hours left to sleep.

27. A kiss.

28. Making new friends or spending time with old ones.

29. Playing with a puppy.

30. Having someone play with your hair.

31. Sweet dreams.

32. Ice cream!

33. Road trips with friends.

34. Swinging on swings.

35. Making eye contact with a cute stranger.

36. Making chocolate chip cookies.

37. Having your friends give you something especially for you.

38. Holding hands with someone you care about.

39. Running into an old friend and realizing that some things never change.

40. Watching the expression on someone's face as they open a present from you.

41. Watching the sunrise. Or sunset.

42. Getting out of bed and realizing it’s a holiday.

43. Knowing that somebody misses you.

44. Getting a hug from someone you care about.

45. Watching cartoons.

46. New clothes. Or shoes.

47. A massage.

48. Playing.

49. A soft toy.

50. Knowing you've done the right thing, no matter what other people think.

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Be true to your heart, and true to your conscience.

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