The Shoat Statements

Random musings by the multiple voices inside my head.

I know that tough times are meant to make you stronger, but I'm sick to death of being made stronger and stronger and stronger. I've come so far, and I'm so close to finally seeing my dream come true. Why is it all being taken away from me? Isn't this the time when the law of averages is supposed to catch up? Can the shit please stop happening?

It's when you're going through tough times that you realise exactly how alone you are in this world. People say family is everything, but that is such a whole heap of bull. On a good day, mine has zero understanding, and at times like this, their empathy and understanding have reached negative figures. Is it really so difficult not to nag, and sympathize instead? Is it really so difficult to comprehend that one's children are different to oneself? I know I can't count on them. I don't want to count on them.

Which leaves me with friends. That I can count on one hand, and still have fingers left. In this situ, not much they can do. Except hold me while I cry. Which seems to be happening far, far too often. Of course, a vast majority of them are hell bent on wearing blinders, while paying no attention to the fact that my life has turned into a bonfire.

So. Friends who are helpless, and a family that could easily drive me insane. One really learns what being alone means at times like this. And what it is like to have to start from scratch, for the nth time in life. I keep telling myself that I'm too old for this shit, but unless I kill myself, I have to deal with it, right? Except that I don't know how to anymore. Everything is going wrong simultaneously, and I see no light at the end of the tunnel. I'm out of ideas, out of options, and most of all, out of strength. I'm bone weary of having to deal with one crisis after another.

I remember Kipling :

If you can make one heap of all your winnings
And risk it all on one turn of pitch-and-toss,
And lose, and start again at your beginnings
And never breath a word about your loss;
If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew
To serve your turn long after they are gone,
And so hold on when there is nothing in you
Except the Will which says to them: "Hold on!"

If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue,
Or walk with kings - nor lose the common touch,
If neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you,
If all men count with you, but none too much;
If you can fill the unforgiving minute
With sixty seconds' worth of distance run,
Yours is the Earth and everything that's in it,
And - which is more - you'll be a Man, my son!

I don't know that I have it in me anymore. I don't know that I can hold on anymore with sheer will alone. I remember Kipling again. And I feel ashamed. So thoroughly ashamed of myself. But I've almost given up. There is only so much strength that a person has in them. I've been tested too far, too often.

I give up.

I know I'm not. Not even close. I know the difference between looking beautiful and being beautiful. Sadly it seems, the rest of the world hasn't caught on as of yet.

As right as I know I am, the world out there still manages to get to me at times.

I hate:

  • Always being thought of as too fat or too thin, but never the 'right' size.
  • The fact that there is a right size.
  • People saying that beauty is only skin deep, and then looking for fair people.
  • Having to wear makeup to make myself look good. I don't wear makeup and I don't look good. Deal with it.
  • Men who say they love women with flaws, and then turning around to go chase the porcelain beauties.
  • Having a personality and not being valued for it.
  • Women who denounce anorexia and then go on diets.
  • Women who can get anyone or anything, just because they look good.
  • Men who fall for that.
  • Having to feel inferior when I know I'm the better person.
  • Photographs of myself.
  • Barbie dolls. Especially in real life.
  • Creatives who insist on 'a fair, pretty girl', despite the fact that majority of the populace looks otherwise.
  • Beauty companies. And Fair & Lovely. And the magazines that feed off them.
  • Having to look in the mirror.
  • People who agree with what I say but still goes and prays at the altar of beauty.
  • The fact that we were all not born blind.
  • People who look like Greek gods (or goddesses) but have personalities that could curdle milk.
  • How such people are worshipped.
  • The expression 'easy on the eyes'.
  • Being judged for something I have no control over.
  • The notion of being 'feminine' and 'feminine beauty'.
  • Beauty pageants.
  • The idea of eternal youth.
  • The feeling that I'm part of an extinct species on this planet.

(NANCY): Strawberries, cherries and an angel's kiss in spring
My summer wine is really made from all these things

(LEE): I walked in town on silver spurs that jingled to
A song that I had only sang to just a few
She saw my silver spurs and said let's pass some time
And I will give to you summer wine
Ohh-oh-oh summer wine

(NANCY): Strawberries, cherries and an angel's kiss in spring
My summer wine is really made from all these things
Take off your silver spurs and help me pass the time
And I will give to you summer wine
Ohhh-oh summer wine

(LEE): My eyes grew heavy and my lips they could not speak
I tried to get up but I couldn't find my feet
She reassured me with an unfamiliar line
And then she gave to me more summer wine
Ohh-oh-oh summer wine

(NANCY): Strawberries, cherries and an angel's kiss in spring
My summer wine is really made from all these things
Take off your silver spurs and help me pass the time
And I will give to you summer wine
Mmm-mm summer wine

(LEE): When I woke up the sun was shining in my eyes
My silver spurs were gone, my head felt twice its size
She took my silver spurs, a dollar and a dime
And left me cravin' for more summer wine
Ohh-oh-oh summer wine

(NANCY): Strawberries, cherries and an angel's kiss in spring
My summer wine is really made from all these things
Take off your silver spurs and help me pass the time
And I will give to you summer wine
Mmm-mm summer wine

- Lee Hazelwood & Nancy Sinatra

You got the best of me. And what did you do with it? You threw it away. I always had to be there for you. When you needed a friend, I was there. When you needed a counsellor, I was there. When you needed a shoulder to cry on, I was there. And when you reorganized your life's priorities and decided to kick me out of that life (without so much as a by-your-leave), I had to shut up and take that as well.

Did you even bother to discuss it with me? Noooooooooooo. I was just unceremoniously thrown out of your life like a piece of used Kleenex (do excuse the cliche). One day I was driving you to the doctor's at four in the morning, and the next day, not so much as good morning.

Yeah, and I had to just sit back and take all of that. I had to ignore the hurt and pain I felt, I had to take a crash course in insensitivity, and take it. You just got on with your life - I was the one who had to deal with not just my feelings, but also the curious questions of the rest of the world.

And now you want to chit chat and pretend nothing ever happened? How do you have the audacity to ask me about my life, pretending as if you actually give two shits whether I'm alive or dead? Am I some kind of puppet whose strings you can pull every which way each time you change your mind?

I'm sick of it. I'm sick of having to wonder what every look, every question, every conversation means. I'm sick of wondering how far I'm allowed to prod into your life. I'm sick of being looked through at 10 a.m., only to be joked with at 3 p.m. I'm sick of you blowing hot and cold all the time, and my not having a clue why. I'm sick to death of pretending that nothing ever happened.

If you want to be friend again, how about starting with an explanation? Maybe followed up with an apology? How's that for a start, because the way you're going about it just ain't gonna cut it.

Or maybe you don't want to be friends (A far more likely explanation). Maybe you just want to be cordial colleagues. Guess what? You're still going about it the wrong way. I still demand an explanation. I have feelings too, and it's about time you paid some attention to them.

But hey, maybe I'm wrong on both counts. Maybe you just want to pretend nothing ever happened. Even though I could write two encyclopedia volumes and still have more left to write, you perhaps, want to erase it all. Too bad you didn't think of that before you kicked me out of your life.

Because I cannot forget any of what happened. Because the hurt is still here, and so is the pain. And I'm so goddamn angry with how you think you can pretend nothing ever happened. I refuse to play your game anymore, and this time round, you can field the questions from the press.

In the last three to four weeks, I've seen a lot of rejection happening by (or to) people around me. It genuinely feels like the season for rejection. As if the stars said to themselves 'let's all align ourselves such that at least one heart will be broken every two days for the next four weeks'. What is with that?

As always, I shall start with myself. I got hit on by a friend (and a really good one at that) that I hadn't even in my craziest, most bizarre dreams thought of in 'that way'. I think it was just the sex he was interested in. I hope it was just the sex he was interested in. How do you let down a friend, because I really, really did not want to hurt his feelings any more than necessary (true to the spirit of the season, he was dumped by his on again off again girlfriend four weeks or so earlier). Believe me, saying no to a friend is only marginally better than being rejected yourself. I didn't want to lie, yet the whole truth and nothing but the truth would have been even worse. So I opted for part of the truth - and now because I left part of the truth out, he thinks there's some hope. There is only so much flirting one can ignore without appearing completely obtuse, and therefore the choice was between continuous hurting or appearing incredibly stupid. I chose the latter. I feel awful, knowing that I'm hurting a friend who needs someone now.

In a different train of thought, why do we want people that we know we can't have? He knows better than most that I'm off limits. I, on my part, want people that are beyond my league. And thus the vicious cycle continues. A wants B, B wants C, C wants D and D wants E...maybe we all should take a dose of E.

Of course, my friends have it even worse. They are in semi-relationships and have got themselves neck-deep in heartbreak. How can two people suffer from the most incredible of cross-connections? A thinks that she's in a sex-free (soon to happen though) relationship with B. B thinks he's being a real good friend (and only that) to A. By the time B has smelled the coffee, A is already planning the wedding. And when you're dealing with nice people, with friends, it becomes so damn difficult to say no!

And those are just the stories I'm in the mood to put down. At last count, some five of us were rejected or have rejected others (all friends of some sort) within the last two weeks.

Why do we want people we simply cannot have? And how do you say no to a friend without hurting them?

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Be true to your heart, and true to your conscience.

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