The Shoat Statements

Random musings by the multiple voices inside my head.

Last night I dreamt of being eaten by a leopard. No, I did not survive the attack (I think). Now, believe me when I tell you this, once you've dreamt of being eaten by a leopard, the fact that leopards don't hunt during the day, or don't hunt humans, or are rare, or aren't found in Sri Lanka is immaterial. It is a big, fearsome animal, and being eaten by it, even in a nightmare, is SCARY. It chills you to the bone, and that feeling stays with you for quite a long time (and since I'm writing this at 3 p.m., I can say that the feeling remains for the better part of the day).

A friend comments that "your writing suggests that you are dying", which I assume is a partial interpretation of the dream. I'm guessing here, because he hasn't offered a detailed theory, and I'm a bit too freaked to analyse my own dream right now. Perhaps I should ask the Sandwich for help here, since I hear this is within her area of expertise.

Anyways. I consider this to be a lousy way to start the weekend. Attempts to remedy it so far have included a healthy dose of cheese cake (whose remedial powers, I'm afraid to say, is largely temporary except on my belly), planning to spend time with others (except that they are spending time other others), working (except I have no work), blogging (would've worked if I wasn't reliving it again)... I think I'll go try shopping now (except that I have no money).

And for the record, my writing does not suggest that I am dying. What it does suggest, is that part of me is already dead.

I don't think I'll be missed when I'm gone.

Well, technically speaking, I will be. For a week or so by some, for a month or so by others. But even in that week or month, it will not be a sad, throbbing loss. It will be a fleeting emotion, a sense of loss that will come up only when they miss the end for which I am the means. A means that can, and will, be easily replaced.

The clock in the hall will not have a sad sort of clanging. Lives go on, and people will move on (rapidly at that). And I will wonder if I actually made a difference to anyone, or meant anything at all. Didn't I leave an impression; didn't I mean anything; is the void that I create so easily filled?

Time-pass, as Indians would say. That is what I am. An entertaining movie, easily replaced by another.

All the world's a's time I looked for another theatre, another time slot where I'll entertain another audience, until it's time for the next change.

The problem with having Cassandra's gift is that you also inherit her curse.

I keep foreseeing the future, but no one believes (or listens) to what I have to say (including myself). When my predictions come true, all I can do is either console my friends or console myself. Not a nice place to be in, and the foresight is completely wasted.

Why is it that we drive into that brick wall, knowing full well that it's there? Knowing that a crash could only end in disaster? Why are we too arrogant, too proud and too stubborn to turn around, knowing that anything else would be a catastrophe?

Cassandra, your gift is a hard one. I hope Apollo doesn't bless anymore of us with it, because your curse is too painful to bear.

When love awakens your heart, it expands,
Straining to capture, to experience the myriads of emotions
that fill it and invade it,
overwhelming and overpowering it
When unrequited... anguish, despair, longing, love and desire
Clash and collide
filling your senses with excruciating but sweet agony.
All at once you are more alive, more awake.
Sensitive to every sight, every sound,
Every blur of colour
every wave of emotion,
Every strain of thought
Crashing, bursting, turmoil and tempest
And in spite of the fury of emotion battling against will and sense
You secretly delight
Delight in the overwhelmingly painful but exhilarating, vivifying experience
Of being in love and being alive

- By RDM

In a world in which kissing ass and yes ma'aming are hallmarks of a valuable employee as opposed to hard work. A world in which it is more important to look good than be good. A world in which every second decision I make has to guided by bank balance and not by my needs. A world in which selfishness is actually a virtue. A world in which it is a crime to wear your heart on your sleeve. A world in which it is better to be fake and move up instead of being real and thus having to stay at the bottom. A world in which platinum circles not only exist, but are also encouraged and molded. A world in which being a dumb blond entitles you to have the world fall at your feet. A world in which friends are as fickle as the weather. A world in which flowers, stuffed toys and candy hearts are signs of genuine love as opposed to real feelings. A world in which some people always have to pay, and other always get to reap. A world in which a flutter of an eyelid means more than a bleeding heart. A world in which success is measured by the car you drive and your bank balance. A world in which doing right is always wrong. A world in which, if you're pretty enough, you can get away with murder. A world in which, if you're pretty enough, someone else will commit murder on your behalf. A world in which being a strong woman is a personality defect. A world in which a man who cries is an abnormality. A world in which youth becomes an excuse for everything. A world in which thinking is not encouraged. A world in which backstabbing is par for the course. A world in which a pretty girl can have anything and anyone she wants, even if her heart has been replaced with stone, and her head with a golf course. A world in which being part of the herd is preferable to individualism.

In a world in which my greatest fault is being myself.

I don't need to be anything other
Than a prison guard's son
I don't need to be anything other
Than a specialist's son
I don't have to be anyone other
Than the birth of two souls in one
Part of where I'm going, is knowing where I'm coming from

I don't want to be
Anything other than what I've been trying to be lately
All I have to do
Is think of me and I have peace of mind
I'm tired of looking 'round rooms
Wondering what I've got to do
Or who I'm supposed to be
I don't want to be anything other than me

I'm surrounded by liars everywhere I turn
I'm surrounded by imposters everywhere I turn
I'm surrounded by identity crisis everywhere I turn
Am I the only one who noticed?
I can't be the only one who's learned!

I don't want to be
Anything other than what I've been trying to be lately
All I have to do
Is think of me and I have peace of mind
I'm tired of looking 'round rooms
Wondering what I've got to do
Or who I'm supposed to be
I don't want to be anything other than me

Can I have everyone's attention please?
If you're not like this and that, you're gonna have to leave
I came from the mountain
The crust of creation
My whole situation-made from clay to stone
And now I'm telling everybody

I don't want to be
Anything other than what I've been trying to be lately
All I have to do
Is think of me and I have peace of mind
I'm tired of looking 'round rooms
Wondering what I've got to do
Or who I'm supposed to be
I don't want to be anything other than me

- Gavin DeGraw

Then there are those who seek me out only when they need help. I'm sure I've ranted about this before, but since I'm experiencing deja vu, you'll have to bear with me.

"Friends" seem to gravitate towards me whenever their lives hit the doldrums. Last night I played Agony Aunt to one distressed friend (who called me after months to tell me that 'there was no one else he could talk to about his problems'); this morning I found myself consoling yet another. The numbers would just keep piling up if I started counting those from last week.

I notice two things in this pattern. Firstly, I'm not the one who is called when people are looking for a good time, just chilling out, get the drift. I'm the helpline. The go-to person in times of trouble, depression and all things negative.

Secondly (and this is far more annoying), half these people are not available when I need help, a sounding board or just a shoulder to lean on. It is incredibly annoying and extremely hurtful that people I consistently help out, or at least make time for, hardly ever reciprocate.

I know, I know. When we do good unto others, it should be without any expectations. And it isn''s just that I'm also human, and when I'm let down by people when I need them, all this just hits you in the face (and not for the first time)...I never seem to learn.

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Be true to your heart, and true to your conscience.

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