The Shoat Statements

Random musings by the multiple voices inside my head.

Decided to post something mildly (very mildly) amusing, instead of the usual rants. I lived through a cheap '70s horror movie. No, I really did. This incident happened a good month or so ago. Without further ado, here goes...


3rd floor, living room with ceiling-to-floor glass sliding doors, opening out onto the balcony. Early evening, maybe around 6.30 or 7. My friend, the Drifter and I sit around the open doors, him drinking coffee, us talking, having a nice time. I noticed a cockroach behind him, and sealed its fate with the sole of my slipper. Maybe five or six minutes later, his brother met the same fate.

Then we decide to move further indoors, and sit in front of the TV, and continue to talk. Maybe for another 45 minutes, perhaps an hour. One of us decide we were hungry, and I decide to look for food in the kitchen, which adjoins the living room.

But...da da da daaaa...

I couldn't take more than a few steps when I noticed another cockroach. As I killed it, Drifter comes to see what the commotion is about, and spots yet another cockroach.

"Yeah, got him" says I, as I frantically chase the cockroach with a slipper.

But, turns out Drifter was talking about another cockroach, different to the 2nd one I was trying to slay. We got rid of him too, and stood with our hands to our hips, wondering where on earth these creatures were coming from. We couldn't wonder too long, because we spotted another two or three cockroaches, and Drifter had the good sense to close the balcony doors, which is where they were crawling in from.

He felt too icky to kill them, so I had the odious task of running about with a slipper in hand, while he looked for cockroaches, all the while both of us shivering in fright. A chance look onto the balcony assured Drifter that far more cockroaches were armed and ready to enter.

As with any cheap horror movie, we were out of weapons. There was not a single can of Mortein or Baygon in the house and to reach the closest supermarket, you had to exit via the roach-infested balcony. It seriously wasn't funny, and we had never seen so many cockroaches in one place.

The slipper was soon becoming overwhelmed, and Drifter put his fears aside and decided to risk the balcony to get the weapons we so badly needed. He somehow made through the sliding doors, but I know not how he managed it.

In his absence, I valiantly flailed about with the slipper, until stubborn roaches forced me to find a weapon out of desperation - the bleach bottle. While the slipper (and my arm) took much needed rest, the bleach bottle rose to occasion and helped me slay several more horrific roaches.

After what seemed like an eternity (but in fact must have been less than fifteen minutes), Drifter appeared on the balcony, spraying in all directions. A-ha! the hero makes it, and manages to bring the weapon too!

The poor bleach bottle and the even more overused slipper took a backseat while Mortein was sprayed in all directions. Those stubborn roaches kept knocking on the door, and crawling out of hiding places, and for a few minutes I thought the Drifter had done the terrible mistake of buying just one can, which we were soon running short of.

Well, though it was just one can (a mammoth one), we managed to defeat the invasion of the roaches without depleting all the ammo.

The whole house smelled of Mortein but we were waaaay too scared to open the balcony doors. And we just barely managed to order pizza before they stopped taking in orders.


Believe me, it was a real, live, horror movie, complete with the ultra-cheap monster. We were invaded by cockroaches, for heaven's sake! But I kid you not, this story is real, and it happened exactly as I related it. We don't know where the roaches came from (and it was only roaches). It had never happened before, and hasn't happened since. The weapons were cheap, the characters were scared, and the monsters would have been laughable, under any other circumstances. And whoever we tell this story ends up laughing.

But it was real, it was scary, and it really did happen.

Beware, the invasion of the cockroaches...coming soon, to a balcony near you...

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