The Shoat Statements

Random musings by the multiple voices inside my head.

I am afraid...of being unsuccessful

I am afraid...of never finding a person who loves me

I am afraid...of always being a failure

I am afraid...of never being good enough

I am afraid...that my dreams are too big for this world

I am afraid...that I will soon lose my strength

I am afraid...that the Christmas spirit is lost

I am afraid...that I'll change into a creature that I don't recognize

I am afraid...of losing the twinkle in the eye forever

I am afraid...that I've already changed

I am afraid...of what hate can do to a person

I am afraid...of it being too late

I am afraid...of caring too much

I am afraid...that I'm taken for granted

I am afraid...of others

Last year was so bad, I thought that it couldn't get any worse. Then it turned out that 2007 served merely as a teaser to 2008, which was the worst year of my life. Unequivocally. And now, as 2008 draws to an end, I find out that 2009 is definitely going to be worse. When I plan my life, it gets royally screwed, and when I don't plan it, I still get screwed. Damned if you do and damned if you don't.

What's the point of being alive, when you are unhappy all the time? I really wonder that I don't

take arms against a sea of troubles,
And by opposing end them? To die: to sleep;
No more; and by a sleep to say we end
The heart-ache and the thousand natural shocks
That flesh is heir to, 'tis a consummation
Devoutly to be wish'd.
Again, I put it down to lack of strength. And my ultra-detrimental quality of actually worrying about others.

I thought I had friends; real true friends that I could lean on, but I was sadly mistaken (yeah, I never learn). I keep throwing myself at people who don't want me. It is so apparent that I'm unwanted and unloved, yet I pigheadedly choose to walk down the same blind alley. And then get terribly hurt. Yet, lacking the strength to turn around, I keep wandering down the same lousy road.

I used to think that I'd leave, and then, like it or not, this cycle of misery will end. I'll surround myself with strangers, not get close to a single soul and thereby avoid all the mistakes I've made in my entire existence, and thus get by without this pain or heartache. But looks like I'm not leaving.

And that translates into another year of pain, another year of loneliness, another year of hurt, another year of misery that I don't know how to extricate myself out of.

Ah well, look at the bright side - at least there won't be any surprises. I know exactly what to expect.

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Be true to your heart, and true to your conscience.

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